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Conflict Resolution Between Christians

By SoulRio
Posted on April 20, 2005

This first section (conflict between Christians) of the study may take more than one night. If it does, feel free to take the time necessary to help people understand and internalize the proper methods for conflict resolution. (See the article on Red/Green Exercise for a great lead-in to this study.

Conflict resolution among believers is very important to the well being of the “Body of Christ”- the church. The church in the first century primarily referred to small groups of believers meeting in homes throughout the cities and villages. It was important enough for Jesus himself to provide guidelines for resolving the inevitable grievances that come up between human beings within the church.

It is important to recognize that mankind has a natural tendency toward selfishness and taking care of oneself first. This tendency will create situations where other people may be hurt by our actions or words. Jesus constantly warned about this sinful tendency.

• Luke 6:32-35 (NLT), 32“Do you think you deserve credit merely for loving those who love you? Even the sinners do that! 33And if you do good only to those who do good to you, is that so wonderful? Even sinners do that much! 34And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, what good is that? Even sinners will lend to their own kind for a full return. 35Love your enemies! Do good to them! Lend to them! And don’t be concerned that they might not repay. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to the unthankful and to those who are wicked.”

• Read Matt. 5:22-24 (NLT), 22”But I say, if you are angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the high council. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell. 23So if you are standing before the altar in the Temple, offering a sacrifice to God, and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, 24leave your sacrifice there beside the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.”

When meeting together in RioLinks members will let their guard down and reveal who they really are as people. Conflict is inevitable and may be things as simple as:
• “Some people seem to talk too much and don’t really have anything constructive to say and it irritates me.”
• “Someone’s child is rude or offensive to my child.”
• “Someone is insensitive with something that I said and is responding in a negative manner.”
• “I am upset about something that you said.”
• “I said something that you don’t agree with and you feel that I have put you down because of it.”
• “You are someone I work with or do business with and you treated me badly.”
• “I didn’t complete the tasks for the group that I said I would and it doesn’t seem to bother me.”
• “I am always late for group time and delays the group getting started.”
• “Your breath stinks.”

Conflict is inevitable and it is therefore something best to plan in advance for. Thankfully, God has a plan. It is important to understand that God has set a different standard and method for dealing with conflict with someone who is a born-again believer and a different standard for someone who is not. The first Conflict Resolution session will focus on conflict between believers and the second will focus on conflict with those who are not.

Ask four people to read out loud and act out (with attitude) the play, “War And Peace” attached from Willow Creek Community Church.

First, remind the group that this session is regarding only how to handle conflict between Christians. The group will tend to get off topic and discuss conflicts with non-Christians such as: people at work, on the street, extended family, etc. Encourage members, if possible, to save these items for the next session. Work on keeping the focus on Jesus’ teaching about conflict between Christians.
• What are some examples of things that cause irritation between Christians?
• How are such problems usually resolved? How well does this method seem to work?
• Why did Jesus believe that it was important to provide specific guidelines for conflict resolution?
• Who do we usually talk to first about a problem we have with someone else? Why?

• Read Matt. 18:15-18 (NLT), 15“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the fault. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. 16But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. 17If that person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. If the church decides you are right, but the other person won’t accept it, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector. 18I tell you this: Whatever you prohibit on earth is prohibited in heaven, and whatever you allow on earth is allowed in heaven.”

• Read Matt. 18:15-18 (TMNT), “If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend. If he won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won’t listen, tell the church. If he won’t listen to the church, you’ll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God’s forgiving love. Take this most seriously: A yes on earth is yes in heaven; a no on earth is no in heaven. What you say to one another is eternal. I mean this.”

• Read Matt. 18:15-18 (NIV), 15“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. 18I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.”

It is typical for believers to key in on the issue of sin, but most of the time it is an issue of being hurt. This is probably a better interpretation of what Jesus was trying to get at in our nature.
• Who is the first person scripture says to talk to?
o The person who caused the problem.

If someone is offended it is best that they go and talk with their offender before discussing the situation with anyone else, including their spouse. This seems to be what Jesus was trying to get encourage His followers to do.
• Why would Jesus want us to go directly to the person without discussing it with someone else first?
o (Try to let the group develop as much of this as possible.)
• Is it possible that Jesus is more interested in the relationship than in solving our petty problems?
• Why?
• Is it possible that it will cause us to build a relationship because we wind up knowing the person better after the conversation and hear their side of the issue?
• If we go to someone who we feel has caused us a problem, and tell them we haven’t spoken to anyone else about this, do you think they would be more responsive to us? Why?
• Why might it be better not to talk to someone ahead of time?
o The person will respect us more. The third party we talk to will not have both sides of the issue, just ours. As a result they will be discussing it with us without full information. We may cloud their judgment about the other person.
Some may say something the following, “I always talk about it to my wife/husband because they might prevent me from making a mistake when I am really over reacting.” The problem is that most of the time that is not the real reason at all, it is instead the justification.
• Even when it is the reason and a spouse does the sensitive thing and backs you up, what kind of a position does that put the other person in?
o Now your spouse has a bad opinion of the person based on your problem when he/she might not have had before.
• If you then go to the person and work it out, is it even possible to go back to your spouse and give a true representation of the other persons side of the problem?
o You may have caused a seed of bad taste for that person in the mouth of your spouse and will never properly be able to remove it. Just because your real motive was probably: I just want someone to agree with me first.
• In review, what are the primary benefits of going directly to the person with whom we have a problem?
• Re-read Matt 18:16-17
• If Jesus’ primary reason for developing this plan was to have us develop a relationship and talk to each other (which will almost always solve the problem) why would we need the last two steps?

• Is it possible that Jesus knew our nature?
o His hope would be that if we were of “one mind” and followed the first step properly the problem would be resolved. But knowing our nature, He knows we wouldn’t even discover that the first step works so well unless we knew there was a fall back plan. Right? So the last two steps are there to motivate us to try the first step and for those very rare cases when it doesn’t resolve the problem.
• What does the scripture seem to be saying about how you should prepare the one or two people you take with you?
o It says they are to be witnesses.
• Is this saying you should take people that you have told the whole story to, and who are convinced that you are right? If not, what is it saying? What does it say their purpose is?
o To be able to witness to what was said. Not to agree with you.
• Why do you think that would be? According to scripture, do they need to know anything about the dispute before they go?
o No! They should be someone who will be impartial. They should not be your best friends. They are just there to be a witness and to be a sounding board for both of you. Not to choose up sides.

In verse 17 the Bible says to then take the situation to the Church.

• Re-read Matt. 18:18

Jesus punctuated this whole process with a warning. The King James Version may seem difficult to understand. If verse 18 is read from a paraphrase, such as “The Message New Testament”, it perhaps begins to make better since.

• What was the warning Jesus was trying to wrap this whole thing up with?
o We have to watch how we talk when we approach someone in a conflict situation.
• Why would he warn us about this?
o We have to watch what we say. Because what we say has eternal effects on relationships. That is Jesus’ primary concern. Our relationships.

The key to this whole process is Jesus’/God’s design to build believers relationships with other believers, more than to settle disputes or mend hurt feelings. It is now the Shepherd Leader’s duty, over the next few months, to lead the group in administering these principles. People in the group will come to the Shepherd Leader with conflicts. They must be directed back to this formula for resolution and given help in accomplishing it. If necessary the Shepherd Leader may have to take that to the other person and help them deal with it properly. The Shepherd Leader should be cautious not to become involved or know too much about the situation. Do not allow the conflict to go unresolved. It is not the Shepherd Leader’s job to resolve the issue.

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For how to treat non-believers Check out Conflict Resolution with Non-Believers